I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
