What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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