so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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