Welp...herpes.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
