Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
