guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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