Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
