If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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