can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
