Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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