Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just googled if crying burns calories
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
