My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
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