You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
