alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
