I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
