dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
