i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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