david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
two words: eviction party
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
