can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Life is so much better after having sex.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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