The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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