He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
How external is "for external use only"?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
