my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
