i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
