I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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