I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
