I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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