well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
