you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
