Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
