it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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