Farmville is her only friend.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
