I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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