Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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