the new term for farting is butt boxing.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
