i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
