I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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