I want to make a zoo with you.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
