Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Randomize
