Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
