I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
