just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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