It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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