Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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