I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize