So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
