Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
