I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
