you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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