Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
