I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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