And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
