you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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