so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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