well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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