he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
