worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize