your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
