the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
