I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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