I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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